So the other day I was confronted by the stark contrast between JD and Jennifer. Muffin has a lawyer friend he met as a police officer. The two hit it off over their interests in special military units (and possibly involvement although I admit I may have glazed over some of these conversations) and love for golf. While they get together whenever Muffin is in town, I have never personally met Lawyer Steve. I know that Steve has had a lot of success in his career: ivy league graduate, DA, successful private law practice, attorney for major recreational resort, great home in THE neighborhood, right family connections, etc. By sheer coincidence the other day, I happened upon Steve’s name on the Facebook profile of a high school buddy of mine. Sure enough, Steve and I went to high school together, and to make matters worse, he graduated a year after I did.
Once the initial small world shock wore off, one word came to mind: ouch. Here was a glaring example of all that I had NOT accomplished in the twelve years since high school. Adding salt to the wound was the fact that Steve remembered who I was out of a student body of 2000+ people. Now I remember nearly every person I have ever had a conversation with, but I never recalled having gone to high school with Steve in the four years he has been a friend with my husband. But he remembered me.
And why wouldn’t he? JD was a go-getter. Two-sport varsity athlete as a sophomore, International Baccalaureate student, club A, club B, blah, blah, blah. And in 12 years of work and study, what exactly have I done with all that potential? Yes, yes, I have created and nurtured a two beautiful girls and a marriage, don’t get me wrong that is hard and rewarding work, but what has that overachiever actually achieved? With that tenacity, that drive to do it all, what does my resume have to show for my twelve years in the world?
The honest answer to that question is: quit before I could fail. “NurtureShock” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman is a collection of research studies and conclusions that go against the grain of modern parenting. It’s a great book on parenting I picked up before Bit was born. One of the studies they discuss talks about honors students being told throughout their childhood that they are smart, smart, smart. But when they finally get to a subject that is difficult for them, instead of having the confidence to try until they figure it out, they become insecure and give up. Right now I feel like the adult poster child for that study.
There are grandiose ideas swirling around in this head of mine, but I never start on any of them. I have a craft project I began in April when my best friend had her baby that still isn’t finished. I save ticket stubs, museum pamphlets, and Christmas cards for the scrapbooks I will put together someday. I have a shadow box of objects from my wedding five years ago that has never been put together. So, while I’d like to say that admitting I have a problem with discipline is the hardest step, obviously moving on to the next one is really the tough one for me. How does one suddenly become more disciplined? How does one begin finishing things they start, and clean the house, and nurse a baby, and wrestle a three-year old, and tickle feet, and make homemade dinners, and sleep? It seems that I am still a sprinter who needs more endurance.
I don’t want to leave these questions out into the Internet void and have my two readers (hi mom, hi mom-in-law) think I am not working on the solution. I am, but the solution and plan will have to come another day. In true Jennifer fashion, I am putting off finishing the thought for another day. HA!
No, honestly, I need to get to finishing one of the few projects I can honestly say I am seeing through to completion: my first family Christmas. It is the first year we are spending Christmas at home with no grandparents, traveling, or visitors. We are starting our own traditions, which means that I get to make all the meals and wash all the dishes. Sorry, Mom, there’s another thing I always took for granted!
First of all, you have one more reader :)
ReplyDeleteSecond, I don't know how you move to the next step. I still haven't put together a baby book for Jace, and I'm really scared that I've lost some of his baby things. I need to organize his medical & governmental paperwork from, oh, pretty much the day of his birth, because it has become VOLUMES, but there is never enough time to do it all at once, so I don't do it at all. I need to finish school, but it's taken me three different schools and ten years to figure out what I want to do (or at least, something I have an interest in and am being immersed in anyway so why not make a career out of it) and now I've returned BACK to the first school only to find out that I've chosen a major that, while beneficial, is going to cost me an extra year on my already lengthy Masters/Doctorate. Grrrrr.
I don't know where the discipline comes in. I think you just have to pull yourself up by the seat of your pants and just DO IT. then take a break. Then repeat. The biggest issue I've seen with my own parents is they are a bunch of "I should" people (I have 4 parents). I don't want to be the "I should", I CHOSE to be the "I am doing" or, better yet, the "I DID" person. But that's a choice I have to make consciously every day.