Getting It Right

There are many days in the life of a parent when you feel like you got it all wrong. The baby is screaming for the third time on an hour; the toddler is upset because you put her socks on the wrong foot; your young child is mad because you actually enforced the no tv before homework rule. These are the times that grate at the soul, the times when your patience takes a cigarette break and your confidence takes a mental health day. Unfortunately, I feel like these days come all to often for me lately. But the good thing about kids is they are flexible and forgiving of the small stuff. All it takes is one shining moment to put you back in their good graces. And this one time, when it really counted, I think I got it right.

Our family is grieving a loss right now. Muffin's grandmother passed away after battling different ailments the last few years. We knew when we moved here it would happen, although it all happened much faster than we expected. I have lost quite a lot of sleep over how to approach the issue of life and death, here and eternity, with Bug especially since she is quite cavalier about the subject of death these days. She likes to play the villain and killing this toy or making this person die is often a plot point in her play lines. It’s a taboo subject that gives this parent quite a lot of mental turmoil.

I wish I could say we have a strong faith to fall back on. While Christianity is the base of most of our values, we have not exposed our kids to a church community so we don’t have a guide to help us navigate these serious subjects. With a serious loss in the family, Bug is bound to witness her family member’s grieving and 3-year old's are not known for sensitivity. Also, JR was very close to Grandma. He saw her weekly and my heart goes out to a little boy learning a big lesson in the world.

The night of the viewing, I offered to stay behind with the kids. A funeral parlor isn’t exactly the best place for two young kids wanting to play chase. JR happened to ask me about Grandma that night, “Does her body look like this?” he asked while freezing his body in like a frozen seizure patient. I’m sure he saw something like it in a video game or on a cartoon. 

“No,” I answered. “She looks like she is sleeping.”

“How do you know?” He pressed me. 

“I’ve seen her.” 

He stared at me dumbfounded. I was obviously lying to him. “You can’t see her, she is DEAD!”

“Yes, her body is dead and her spirit is in heaven. After someone dies, the family has a funeral for the body to say goodbye. They get together and sing songs, say nice words, cry, and take one last look at the body. The body is just lying down asleep since there is no spirit in it anymore. You can still see the body. In fact, your mom and dad are there right now.”

“I want to see my Grandma.” I took them to the mortuary and he continued to ask questions steeped in popular culture themes about death. “Is she in a vampire box?” “Are her hands like this or like that?” But when we stepped in the doors, his attitude became somber and sad.

The whole family flocked to him, sort of smothering him in grief. We all walked in quietly and holding hands. JR didn’t say anything, he just kept his hands up to his mouth and soaked it all in. Grandpa was crying and JR moved over to be held by him. Bug was holding my hand like a big girl and asked me if she could see Great-Grandma. I picked her up to the casket. Without hesitation she said, “Goodbye Gweat-Gwandma’s body. We miss you. OK, Mommy, put me down now pleeze.”  

I picked up JR and he looked at Grandma's face. "If you want to say something to her," I whispered in his ear, "I won't tell anyone what you said." He shook his head and clung to me silently. After a few minutes we left together as a family and went our separate ways for the night.

When we got home it was late and time for bed. We put on our jammies and Bug and I lied together in her bed snuggling and talking about our day as we do every night. We always talk about our “wishes” or things we hope will happen tomorrow. It’s sort of our way of praying for the next day. Her wishes were all about what her heaven would be like. "My spiwit loves ice cweam so I want ice cweam in my heaven!" My heaven had butterflies. She mused that great-grandma’s heaven had yellow kitties. Then we planned for what to expect at the funeral.

I could not have been more proud of my big girl during the funeral. She did not leave JR’s side that whole day. She held his hand, she rubbed his back, she told him it was ok to cry if he missed her. Anything she saw me do to comfort Muffin or my brother-in-law, she mimicked to support her cousin. She was certainly a kind girl. I was also very proud of JR. He was well behaved and sensitive after seeing the body.

Bug may not have many memories of her Great-Grandmother, but I think in death she taught Bug important lasting life lessons. Life is precious and death is inevitable. This will be one topic that she cannot avoid and I’m glad that in her first experience with death the adults around her were honest and mature. I think it was a growing experience for all of us. And I like to believe that this one time, on this one topic, maybe I got it right.