A Balanced Rock

Cut from centuries of wind, blizzard, and raging summer storms, Balanced Rock stands in a naturally occurring red rock park called the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs, Colorado. The enigma is tucked in the grandeur of the Rocky Mountains in the shadow of Pikes Peak. I imagine it as a tall Native American woman standing with her proud face to the wind, hair and regalia whipping behind her, steady against the tribulations of an unforgiving world. She has poise and grace yet she is hard and unbending against the squall.

In reality, the Balanced Rock is a geologic feature made red, blue, purple, and white sandstone, conglomerates, and limestone sedimentary beds deposited back when Colorado was under an ancient ocean and then built up horizontally, and tilted vertically and faulted by the uplift of the Pikes Peak massif and forged by weather erosion. (Wikipedia Nov 2010) I like my version better, but regardless of what the rock formation is, it is really quite remarkable. This structural marvel begs the questions: why doesn’t it topple over? How can tons and tons of rock rest topsy-turvy on such a small base?

Balanced Rock is a keystone for me, and the symbolic reference for the woman I want to be. Since becoming a wife and a mother, balance has eluded me. It wasn’t so bad after getting married, but motherhood has taken sacrifice. First it was the body, then sleep and now day-to-day is a spinning carousel of caring for everyone else. It is easy to forget where I begin and end, what I did before Signing Time, pumping, washing diapers, tea parties, making dinner, quickies, vacuuming, kissing boo-boos, Little Bear, laundry… I think I vaguely remember that I used to shave…

I used to be JD. In about second grade, Jennifer gave way socially and academically to JD because my initials sounded better together than the other Jennifer’s. Jennifer even gave in to JD in college where there were so many people it shouldn’t have mattered. Even my professors used my initials. JD became my Superman, and Jennifer the Clark Kent. JD was a fiercely independent, outgoing, athletic, honor student who majored in extracurricular activities, leadership positions and sorority parties. Jennifer was the responsible one who did her chores, babysat little sisters, cried on Mom’s shoulder, and took groundings when JD missed curfew. It was sort of nice to have two identities and to leave the pressures of one or the other at will. Then I met my Muffin, who refused to call me JD, and the two were forcibly fused together. Jennifer could no longer use JD to protect her vulnerable side and JD was forced into retirement until weekend nights.

Then came the shooting. Then came Bug. Then came the move. Then came the lay-off. And somewhere in and out of the years of depression and happiness I lost the greatest friend I ever had: myself.

This blog is my honest struggle to balance the loving, nurturing, silly, playful, stable, vulnerable and tired Mommy/wife I am today with the JD I used to be. I’m hoping that by reflecting on who I used to be and who I hope to be, I can find the middle ground between what it takes to keep this family strong and Jennifer sane. And maybe, even if it is in writing, I can be the star of my own show, standing through the daily storms with my hair whipping behind me, facing the wind head-on, feeling the warm sun on my back, brilliant as a Balanced Rock.