Journey to Rattlesnake Rock

All this writing is certainly inspiring an attitude adjustment. The decrease of random thoughts in my head and emotional evaluation means there is more room for happiness at the surface and I have come to two important revelations. The first is a reconnection with Rand. A recent online conversation about Anthem has me tingling with desires of exceptionalism once again. What have I done today, what have I given, what have I produced that is truly exceptional? What have I done that no other person in this world could? My blood has been flowing a little quicker. I still wake up feeling like tar, but after a warm cup of chai my mind goes to work plotting the possibilities of the day.

The second revelation is the most important. For months, maybe even a year, I let idleness convince me that the life of a stay-at-home mom isn’t as fulfilling for me as working motherhood would be. My own laziness and lack of discipline let the dark voices sink in and I began to “what if” about a life not my own. But my writing has helped me take inventory of the blessings I have only because I am here with my children.

Yesterday we went on a dinosaur hunt in our backyard. Bug relishes any opportunity she gets to boss me around and be in complete control of our games. She decided that we would follow a Dora-style mapped out adventure to return a lost Jack-o-saur (the dog) to his mommy. First we had to go through the tunnel so we marched our knees high to the sun between the shed and the retaining wall. Then we mounted our horses Pencil and Lasso to gallop over Rattlesnake Rock. The adventure finally took us to the playground (our swing set) where the Jack-o-saur Mommy was waiting. As with any Bug adventure, we had to take frequent trips through Rattlesnake Rock before she had her fill.

Shame on me for taking the opportunity to fully engage in the game of my child for granted! I know I will say this a number of times, but there is no dignity in parenting a young person. Being down on the ground, making funny faces, giving low fives too slow, these are the building blocks of trust. But more than that, they are the pieces of me. I felt better truly playing her game yesterday than I have been in weeks. Any insecurities about a clean house, my clothes, my body, saying the right thing, all of those worries were gone and I was happiness personified. What have I done today, what have I given, what have produced that is truly exceptional? I did NOT half-ass my way through playtime. I drank up every ounce of joy and spunk she had to offer.

Later that night she crawled out of bed at midnight and interrupted my movie. I still had Bit in my right arm letting her settle into her deep sleep, so I asked Bug to curl up on my left side. She talked through the end of my movie and wiggled so much Bit couldn’t get comfortable, so we headed off to my bed and we lied there whispering nose-to-nose our favorite things about the day and one another. I told her how much fun I had playing with her, I thanked her for making me laugh. I asked her who loved her the most in this whole world and she said, “you and my Daddy of course. Momma, don’t talk. You stinky now and you wake up my sister.” After a quick thought about changing toothpaste brands, I drifted off to sleep snuggling my exceptional child.